Oryx and Crake

When did the body first set out on its own adventures? Snowman thinks; after having ditched its old travelling companions, the mind and the soul, for whom it had once been considered a mere corrupt vessel or else a puppet acting out their dramas for them, or else bad company, leading the other two astray. It must have got tired of the soul's constant nagging and whining and the anxiety-driven intellectual web-spinning of the mind, distracting it whenever it was getting its teeth into something juicy or its fingers into something good. It had dumped the other two back there somewhere, leaving them stranded in some damp sanctuary or stuffy lecture hall while it made a beeline for the topless bars, and it had dumped culture along with them: music and painting and poetry and plays. Sublimation, all of it; nothing but sublimation, according to the body. Why not cut to the chase?

But the body had its own cultural forms. It had its own art. Executions were its tragedies, pornography was its romance. 


-- Margaret Atwood Oryx and Crake

Let's Pretend This Did Happen

Caution: Fan-girling Ahead




I've been a fan of The Bloggess (aka Jenny Lawson) for a while. Ever since she posted about Beyonce (did you know that Beyonce doesn't trigger the spellcheck? That's how you know you made it. Unfortunately  "Bloggess" is not recognized. Work on this Google.).

Because, in case you really haven't know me for more than a week, I have conversations like this every day of my life. And truly, I'm surprised that my friend Jen and didn't already buy a giant metal chicken for our dorm room because we totally knew a place that sold them. So basically, Jenny Lawson stole our idea before we actually had it.

When I heard her book was coming out (Jenny Lawson's not Jen's. Jen doesn't have a book yet) I squeeed. And when I got my hands on an ARC because working at a bookstore does have some awesome perks, I jumped for joy. And really squeeed. A lot. Then I read it. And then I reviewed it and actually got more people to read the book because of it. WOOHOO.

So last week I got to meet her at the Paramus Barnes&Noble book signing. Now, I really didn't know what to expect. But she made me happier in person. And also spurred me to write about my bipolar story sooner rather than later. (It's a work in progress)

She loved my Sandman inspired tattoo. And my Friendship is Magic/Doctor Who shirt. And I gave her a Doctor Who blind bag thing that had "small balls." I took a bad picture of it.

You can't see it, but it does have small balls.

And she's following me on twitter. I got really excited over that. It's like I'm one step away from being vaguely internet famous. Not that she doesn't follow a thousand other people, but whatevers. 

And I also am convinced that cannot be a good posed picture of me. Like ever. 

Ugh. Crooked glasses! So not photogenic. (I'm on the left. Ms Lawson is the photogenic one)

So I guess the moral of the story is practice posing for pictures. And get my glasses fixed. And maybe exercise. 

Oh, and if you haven't yet. Read her damned book. It's in paperback now. You have no excuse.

Honest Truth

There are times: days, weeks.
Where all I can think about is how everyone I know will die.

So I crawl into bed while Jack is asleep and cry against his back until I pass out.
And during the day, while reading or on the computer, or even at work, I wonder "why am I doing any of this?"

I get paralyzed by the fact that I could lose Jack (or anyone in my family really) at any second.

My New Obsession

Ok. ANYONE who knows me, knows that my sense of humor is not like most peoples. I giggle over the weirdest things. I giggle over thinking about the weirdest things.

Case in point "Ponies with Hats"

Really, I giggle uncontrollably when I think about this. It's a remake of "Llamas with Hats" seen here:

Somehow the ponies make it funnier. These Llamas with Hats are brought to you by the GENIUS that is "Charlie the Unicorn." What's Charlie the Unicorn? ONLY THE BEST VIDEO EVER!

Okay okay. Maybe it's ONLY THE BEST VIDEO EVER AFTER LOBSTER STICKS TO MAGNET:

Which happened BEFORE YOUTUBE. Really, I was in college BEFORE YOUTUBE HAPPENED. Also BEFORE FACEBOOK. I KNOW. I'M OLD. But I'm glad, because really, I don't have any college drunken things on there, unlike kids these days. 

Inward Looking, the last days

Question 6:

Where, how, and with whom have spiritual values such as gentleness, kindness, and bravery shown up in my life is 2012? Are these the qualities I hold as the highest spiritual values, or are there others? Where, how, and with whom do I wish to express/manifest/share them in 2013?

Two people come to mind: Patti Digh and my coworker Karly. 

Really, both these ladies have changed my life in very subtle ways. And I am continually grateful I know both of them. 

I hope this year I can inspire someone like these two quietly inspired me. 

Question 7:

Has my art been brave enough?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

no.

no it hasn't. 

I used to be braver in my words. Back when it was locked behind "friends only" posts on livejournal. 

That was lifetimes ago. 

This year, I'll be braver with my words. 

I just hope people want to hear them. 

Quotes

Daniel has a tenderness about him, and when I couldn't sleep, he'd do this thing where he would slip his hand under my shirt and rub my back in circles until I fell asleep. He waited for me to be asleep before he slept. 

-- pg 93 Daniel Fights a Hurricane by Shane Jones

Inward Looking Day 4 and 5

Question 4:

How did I serve in 2012? Whom did I serve? What aspects of my service brought me alive? What aspects drained me? If I could serve in any way possible in 2013, what would I create? Let your imagination run wild.

I sure as hell did not serve myself as much as I should have, that's for sure. For the most part I served a dead dream at a dead end job. I served the stock holder and investors but not myself or my fellow coworkers. Nor the customers that came into the store. I was just a cog in a corporate wheel. 

I hated it. 

I died. 

But (see the theme running through these posts?) when I figured out what I wanted to do (get out of the job, have time to read and write, be happy) things worked out. 

So in 2013 I plan on serving myself. I will be full of the self and follow my heart etc. I plan on creating a family (I will be married soon) and creating a beautiful life with the man I love. I plan of creating a life that I don't mind living. And I plan on creating happiness for once. 

Question 5:

What have I learned about living the creative life in 2012? And how will it change what and how I create moving forward?

I am going to admit something here. 

I don't think I'm an artist. Or a writer. 

But I do create. 

I used to create more. Back when I was crazier. More depressed. 

It's harder now. When I have to be around so many people all the time, it's hard to keep words in my head. 

It's hard to be alone and write and dream and think when I'm never alone anymore. 

I'm very much disconnected with myself and how I used to write and think and love. 

So I'm trying to get over that hump of only writing when I'm depressed, because I'm not depressed anymore. 

I honestly don't know if I like it. 

This is a different feeling to it. Almost empty. 

I've spent the last few years so drained. But also changing into something new? Something more of me. 

My writing has suffered. 

Maybe this will change this year.