Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Inward Looking Day 4 and 5

Question 4:

How did I serve in 2012? Whom did I serve? What aspects of my service brought me alive? What aspects drained me? If I could serve in any way possible in 2013, what would I create? Let your imagination run wild.

I sure as hell did not serve myself as much as I should have, that's for sure. For the most part I served a dead dream at a dead end job. I served the stock holder and investors but not myself or my fellow coworkers. Nor the customers that came into the store. I was just a cog in a corporate wheel. 

I hated it. 
I died. 

But (see the theme running through these posts?) when I figured out what I wanted to do (get out of the job, have time to read and write, be happy) things worked out. 

So in 2013 I plan on serving myself. I will be full of the self and follow my heart etc. I plan on creating a family (I will be married soon) and creating a beautiful life with the man I love. I plan of creating a life that I don't mind living. And I plan on creating happiness for once. 

What have I learned about living the creative life in 2012? And how will it change what and how I create moving forward?

I am going to admit something here. 

I don't think I'm an artist. Or a writer. 

But I do create. 
I used to create more. Back when I was crazier. More depressed. 
It's harder now. When I have to be around so many people all the time, it's hard to keep words in my head. 
It's hard to be alone and write and dream and think when I'm never alone anymore. 
I'm very much disconnected with myself and how I used to write and think and love. 

So I'm trying to get over that hump of only writing when I'm depressed, because I'm not depressed anymore. 
I honestly don't know if I like it. 
This is a different feeling to it. Almost empty. 

I've spent the last few years so drained. But also changing into something new? Something more of me. 
My writing has suffered. 
Maybe this will change this year. 

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