Saturday, January 5, 2013

Inward Looking, the last days

Question 6:

Where, how, and with whom have spiritual values such as gentleness, kindness, and bravery shown up in my life is 2012? Are these the qualities I hold as the highest spiritual values, or are there others? Where, how, and with whom do I wish to express/manifest/share them in 2013?

Two people come to mind: Patti Digh and my coworker Karly. 

Really, both these ladies have changed my life in very subtle ways. And I am continually grateful I know both of them. 

I hope this year I can inspire someone like these two quietly inspired me. 

Has my art been brave enough?



no it hasn't. 

I used to be braver in my words. Back when it was locked behind "friends only" posts on livejournal. 

That was lifetimes ago. 

This year, I'll be braver with my words. 

I just hope people want to hear them. 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013


Daniel has a tenderness about him, and when I couldn't sleep, he'd do this thing where he would slip his hand under my shirt and rub my back in circles until I fell asleep. He waited for me to be asleep before he slept. 

-- pg 93 Daniel Fights a Hurricane by Shane Jones

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Inward Looking Day 4 and 5

Question 4:

How did I serve in 2012? Whom did I serve? What aspects of my service brought me alive? What aspects drained me? If I could serve in any way possible in 2013, what would I create? Let your imagination run wild.

I sure as hell did not serve myself as much as I should have, that's for sure. For the most part I served a dead dream at a dead end job. I served the stock holder and investors but not myself or my fellow coworkers. Nor the customers that came into the store. I was just a cog in a corporate wheel. 

I hated it. 
I died. 

But (see the theme running through these posts?) when I figured out what I wanted to do (get out of the job, have time to read and write, be happy) things worked out. 

So in 2013 I plan on serving myself. I will be full of the self and follow my heart etc. I plan on creating a family (I will be married soon) and creating a beautiful life with the man I love. I plan of creating a life that I don't mind living. And I plan on creating happiness for once. 

What have I learned about living the creative life in 2012? And how will it change what and how I create moving forward?

I am going to admit something here. 

I don't think I'm an artist. Or a writer. 

But I do create. 
I used to create more. Back when I was crazier. More depressed. 
It's harder now. When I have to be around so many people all the time, it's hard to keep words in my head. 
It's hard to be alone and write and dream and think when I'm never alone anymore. 
I'm very much disconnected with myself and how I used to write and think and love. 

So I'm trying to get over that hump of only writing when I'm depressed, because I'm not depressed anymore. 
I honestly don't know if I like it. 
This is a different feeling to it. Almost empty. 

I've spent the last few years so drained. But also changing into something new? Something more of me. 
My writing has suffered. 
Maybe this will change this year.