Friday, December 28, 2012

Week of Inward Looking Day 2 AND 3

OOOO I'm playing catch up here with my Inward Looking questions! And I'm trying not to eat a whole bag of clementines. I mean, I'm eating most of them, I just don't want to eat ALL of them. Cause I'm making soup later. Which is my favorite thing ever. I freaking love soup.


Question 2:

In what way have I been living in the shadows in 2012? How might my life change if I came out into the light in 2013? What strengths could I discover and share if I gave up hiding my weaknesses?

How have I been living in the shadows? Hmm. Well I always live in the shadow of money issues. And honestly, this is a big "I hate talking about" issue. Money is always tight, or really never there. I am swimming in a sea of student loan debt. And with apartment costs, food, car payments, car insurance, etc,. I don't have a safety net. Actually, I have no savings what so ever. Which scares me. A lot.  

But I hate asking for help. I am 30 years old and that's old enough to be able to swim alone just fine. I want to show people that I can do this life thing. But it's hard. I try not to think about it, because if I do think about it, I tend to melt down. Cry. Stop eating. Typical depression stuff. And it's hard for me to get out of the money depression funk because I don't know how to fix it. 

In 2013 I am going to try my damnest to do better with money. I have a great job that makes me happy and pays more than my bookstore job did (not by much, but it's enough to make a difference). I'm also going to pray for a bunch of money to come my way with no strings attached so I can pay all my student loans off. That's really what's sucking my soul out. If they are done, well all that extra money will just go to savings. 

Perhaps if I am more honest with other people about my money issues, then I will find strength in my family and friends or a generous benefactor. Maybe the more I talk about it, the less worried I will feel that people will think bad things about me because I'm in this tight spot that has lasted about ten years now. 


Question 3:

When I look back over 2012 and think about how time, choices and objects have been organized, do I see harmony and ease? Did I seek out the natural place for things to land and rest? Where did I struggle to force things into literal or figurative containers? Do I recognize the order in the universe and see my life reflected in that order?

Heh. Strangely, when I learned to relax (okay, okay, I haven't learned to relax but I'm practicing!) things have been coming towards me. I've had a crap time at my old job after seven plus years and then, on a whim, I applied to a job and received it. I knew it was time to leave the old place and move on to something new. And lo and behold! It happened. 

Since then, I've been trying to go with the flow more. How is the universe going to direct me today? Lots of new agey type stuff, but something that is resonating with me right now. I'm trying to listen to my instincts and what I really want to be doing and trying to stop forcing myself into a postion that I wasn't made for or outgrew. 

It's been working. I'm happier. And while there are still a bunch of things that can be fixed, (money issues, Jack finding a job that is actually feasible, my health) I am trying to be confident that things will work out. That everything will be fine in 2013 and beyond. 

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