This is all so you keep me to my word

I'm a sucker for creative self-help books. The Artist's Way, Pronoia, Life is a Verb and Creative is a Verb. Love them. Have I read them all? No. Do I own them? Yes. Will I actually finish one of these many books? Maybe one day. But I will goddamnit. But now I'm actually! reading a new one.

So. True story:
A customer called looking for this book. I never heard of it but the guy swore that it's the next big thing.  I get it for him, flipped through it, was intrigued. I wrote down the title and that was that. A few days go by and I keep thinking about this book. So I get it. (actually it's not that hard for me to buy a book but that shouldn't be a surprise) /end story

The book is The Fire Starter Sessions by Danielle Laporte


All of this is just a very long preamble to this following sentence:

I will bake to my heart's content and I will go back to school.

Rage against the dying of the light

My Michee has died.

http://fuguesatori.bandcamp.com/

I've spend all day sitting at the jersey shore and at the beautiful ocean and I keep thinking of her and how she told me a few weeks ago she was going to write me a song to help heal me because I've been so sick for so long and my head keeps getting worse.

And I hadn't talked to her on the phone for a while and I thought about doing that. And now I can't.

And it was a wonderful day at the beach and I'm crying so hard and it's hard to talk about because the people who knew and loved her aren't in my life as much as they were before (if at all) and I just want to talk about my michee.

My wonderful beautiful michee. Who would listen to me. Who invited me to her wedding and loved me and him together and me and him apart and just loved. Whom I told that I would carry her child if she ever wanted to have kids.

I remember the Michelle clause we had in our relationship.
I remember when I was one of the first people she called after her mother died.
I remember her stories of her exes. I remember the love and the music and her beautiful words.


People my age are supposed to be having kids and getting married. Not dying. Not someone who loved as much as she did.



And how am I supposed to breathe?
I can spout a bunch of things about how I knew something was wrong. She was too quiet. Or that the random carrion birds I've been seeing should have warned me. Or the face that she's been in my dreams and thoughts lately along with others.

Or how I still feel her. Over my right shoulder. Whispering in my ear "It's okay my love. It's okay." Or feel her hand on my back and her tears mixing with mine.

Holes

How does one write about grief?

For me, grief is numbing. A hole in the heart and spirit.
I feel utterly alone, but at the same time, connected to the earth in a way I normally don't feel.

Dust to Dust. etc.

I go through the motions. Answer the phone. "Hello, hi, how are you?" Get people their books. Work. Smile. Cook dinner. Watch a movie.

But I'm a shell.

The inside of me is turmoil. Or, extreme calm. Unable to feel. Just a cold dead ocean.


In a way, I'm grieving for my father along with my aunt. Death bring up all the sludge that just sits at the bottom. Years of debris and sediment on top.  Being ignored until another passing.

I'll miss my aunt. I miss her already. I missed her when I went to florida to see her and she was just skin and bones and pained smiles.

I'll miss the stories I'll never know about my father and her. About my family. The secrets and the reminiscing.

I'll miss feeling like someone in my family understands my particular brand of crazy. I'll miss talking to someone who was frank and treated me with so much love and told me the truths about things. How she dealt with being called bipolar. Her hurts and feelings. And how it runs in the family.



I never understand how I get back to normal after this. How the pain slowly stops. How everything stops reminding you of your loved one. How I can breathe and laugh and smile. I know it happens. It always does. But right now I'll take the sobbing and the numbness. And my lack of words for everything.

Cooking Through My Cookbooks: Moosewood Edition

I went to college in upstate New York.  Yes it was a liberal arts college. Yes there were a lot of neo-hippies around. Yes I was friends with a good chunk of them. There used to be pot luck suppers, (that for the record, I never attended) where people would use The Moosewood Cookbooks as their basis.

What's the Moosewood Cookbooks? Oh my are you missing out.  The Moosewood Collective is based in Ithaca, NY and is a vegetarian restaurant. Now that's really the bare-bones explanation, but it will do. It's good to know that they make fantastically delicious food that you wouldn't know is vegetarian/vegan and they are cookbooks that I recommend to everyone who asks me for a good veggie cookbook. Now, I love bacon as much as the next bacon lover, but I love these cookbooks when I'm looking for something lighter.

And so, thus begins my 30 Things Cause I'm 30 Cooking through my Cookbooks: Moosewood Edition.

Tonight's recipe comes from Moosewood Restaurant: New Classics

Pasta with Easy Summer Sauce

This isn't so much a "sauce"as a dressing, and really this would make a fantastic picnic pasta salad. And omg it was amazing. Really. It truly was. I loved it, but I don't know if Jack did as much.

Does he like it? Or does he not like the picture?

I also have a habit of not following the directions/ingredient list exactly...so I ended up with waaay more than the 4-6 servings it said it was gonna be, but that's ok, leftovers are good.

2 cups quartered grape or cherry tomatoes (I used small heirloom tomatoes like the cookbook notes said I could do. And I used a bit more than 2 cups, probably more like 3 cups)
1/4 cup minced fresh parsley
2 tablespoon minced fresh basil
1/2 cup minced red onions
1 garlic cloves (I used 3, cause garlic is love)
1/4 cup chopped black olives (I used a bit more)
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon coarsely ground black pepper
2 teaspoons balsamic vinegar (optional, taste the mixture beforehand and see if you want to add it. I did but I could see how it all depends on the tomatoes)
1 pound farfalle (bowties! bowties are cool)
2 cups string beans (oh. 2 cups? hmm how about a whole bag of frozen ones because I didn't read the directions...)
1/2 cup crumbled feta cheese (I used a whole 6oz container)

So. BIG pot of boiling water.
While you wait for that to boil, combine the first 8 or 9 ingredients.
Water boiling? Add pasta, when water gets back to a boil, wait 2-3 minutes, add string beans.
When pasta and string beans are done, drain. Put back in pot or a very large serving bowl. Add tomato "sauce" and toss.

ooooo so pretty!

What I was watching while eating dinner:

So Jack and I when I make a real meal and not a frozen dinner or a sandwich, we watch a movie or something.  For this we watched episodes 3, 4, and 5 of series 6 of Doctor Who (The pirates, the doctor's wife, and the gangers!)

30 Things to do 'Cause I'm 30

I've been thinking about this whole being 30 thing since January. I'm kinda fixated on it. 30. Still a lot of years for something that I'm repeatedly told is "still a baby."

But 30 is important. I want it to be important. So I've decided to do thirty new things this year. I have until May 28, 2013 to accomplish these goals. Also to figure out thirty things. Because I don't have thirty items yet, more like twenty-five.

So in not much of an order here are my 30 THINGS TO DO 'CAUSE I'M 30!!

• Get my passport
• Travel to a different country
• Get Motorcycle license 
• Take a yoga class with Kurt
• Take a spin class (with or without Kurt)
• Go on a food tour ala Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives
• Wine Tour! 
• See Niagara Falls
• Go whale watching
• Visit Atlantic City
• Learn how to operate a sewing machine
• Make a quilt
• Volunteer 
• Go to a beer fest
• Write a novel
• Run a 5K
• Sing Karaoke 
• Learn to kickbox
• Go to a Comic Con 
• Go hot air ballooning
• Become a bone marrow donor
• Learn how to play a ukulele 
• Cook through my cookbooks
• Take a bookbinding class
• Buy a metal chicken
• Ride a horse, camel, and/or and elephant
• Pay off all my credit cards
• Watch all the Criterion Collection 
• ????
• Profit

So there we are. 24ish things to do because I'm 30. If you have more suggestions, please do tell! I'm gonna document this whole thing here too. So I'll be held accountable. Also, if anyone wants to join me in my adventures and/or can help these things become a reality (damn, these things can get expensive) I will love you more than I already do and thank you forever. 

Hello World

I'd like to point out that I am turning 30 tomorrow.

It's a number I've always been scared about. It is a very grown-up number. 30. That means 3 WHOLE DECADES of LIFE. HOLY SHIT. That's a lot.

I compare it with other ages in my head. 30 vs 25 for example. My mother had me when she was 25. And her mother had her when she was 25. When I was a kid, I always thought it would be the same for me. How awesome would that be? Born, 25, 50, 75. The kid would know his/her great great grandmother! It didn't happen like that. Or, to put it a better way, it hasn't happened yet. I bring up having kids and my mother yells at me saying she'd make it so it wouldn't happen again. When I point out the fact that she had two children by the time she was 30 she shrugs me off and says, "it was a different era." When I remind her that the mid-to-late 1980s weren't all that different she just tells me to shut up. Because that's what mothers do.

I'm not really worried about getting older though. I still look young. I get asked where I go to school and when I mention I graduated college in 2004, parents look horrified. Mostly because I'm probably not that much younger than they are and I look so much better. Good genes. Also, I don't go outside in the sun. And I use awesome moisturizer. So I'm not worried about aging. Or looking old. Or caring that I look old.

What I am worried about is that I don't feel 30. Nor do I feel like I should be allowed to be 30. Shouldn't I be more responsible than I am if I'm going to be 30? Should I feel like I'm an adult? I should be doing adult things! Like owning a home! Or at least not living with my boyfriend's parents. I should own a business suit! 30 year old women have business suits right? I should know how to walk in high heels without falling on my face too.

And a cat. I should have a cat.

So in conclusion, Hello World. This is my personal blog. I'm spo(e)rk. Nice to meet you.