This is What Feminism Looks Like

This past week I went to New York Comic Con with a friend. Vastly enjoyable, but that's a given really. On Saturday there were two panels we really wanted to go to (and thankfully we got into both). One being the 50th Anniversary of Doctor Who (with special appearance by Colin Baker!) and the other a Q & A with John Barrowman (Captain Jack! *swoons*). In order to guarantee a seat for the Captain Jack Q&A, we sat through a panel for the DC comics: New 52.


I'm not a DC fan. I've always been a Marvel girl. I was vaguely curious however about Wonder Woman but not enough to buy one of the comics. The panel consisted of an overview of the next few issues of some certain comics. And let me mention that there was only one woman on the panel.

Nothing exciting. The Q&A was boring for the most part until this wonderful young woman in a Batman cosplay asked a question about DC's hiring practices. In a nutshell, she stated statictics on how few female editors, copywriters, artists, and letterers there were in the DC corporation. She asked why.

Their answer?

Because there wasn't the talent pool.

Because ya know, there aren't a ton of woman in the indie comic world at all. But after this, I'm not surprised that woman are applying for these jobs at this company. I wouldn't want to work for them.

Thankfully there was a lot of cheers for the question and quite a few boos from the audience.

A few questions later, another woman asked why the switch of Wonder Woman's costume change? She started off with pants and a fully covered costume and then a few issues later, back to the original skimpy non-clothes she had for years. Mind you, this was after the artist for Wonder Woman mentioned how kinky the covers were.

Their answer?

1. Because it was hard to draw and color.
2. Because there was backlash.


There weren't as many boos for the panel's answer this time unfortunately. I did say, very loudly I might add, about how Marvel seems to do it fine with Captain Marvel.

Skip until about 48:30. Watched the uneasy panel.


My friend and I were pissed. I tweeted about the whole thing. Angerly. DC will not get my money hashtag fuckDCcomics.

There were two girls sitting next to us. probably early 20s. Hard to tell. Maybe a bit younger.

They seemed unfazed by the panel's answer. Taking it as okay. Them saying how iconic the costume was.

I was livid. I asked if they knew the story behind the creator of Wonder Woman. How the creator was not shy about how he wanted a sexy bondage/kink relationship with Wonder Woman and her antagonists. (yes, yes, I know wikipedia, cut me some slack guys)

Now I'm not dismissing bondage as a life style. It's fine as long as it's between consenting adults. I was just pointing out to the girls that she was created specifically to be a sex-object and not a real person.

These girls didn't get it. They didn't care.

I was shaking I was so angry.


(Thankfully I was happier after watching John Barrowman prance around the stage the next hour or so)

But this stayed with me.
The lack of caring.

This is not what feminism looks like.
Where's these girls' passion and anger for being reduced to a sex object?


What does this have to do with my book review?
Everything.

Back in January or March I received an ARC for Eve Ensler's In the Body of the World. I knew that this wasn't exactly the feminist manifesto that The Vagina Monologues is, but rather a memoir of her cancer experience. I was supposed to read and review it months ago. But I didn't have the desire to pick it up until last Sunday.

Where I was still full of rage against DC.

I'm glad I did.
I read it in two days.
Could have been one but I needed time to process her words.

I needed time to write down extended quotes that deal with living life and viewing dying as a transformation. I needed to hear about her stories of the women who are repeatedly raped by soldiers in the Congo. I needed to hear about the healing these women go through after being violated and left for dead, only to stand back up again.

I cried.
Oh how I cried.

And I want to hand this book to the young women and girls who take DC's answers that women aren't good enough for their jobs or that women should be scantily dressed.

I want to show them what feminism looks like.
That it's not a dirty word.
That they have the power to challenge the status quo.

To get up and push back.

That if woman want to be half naked that it's okay, but only if they do it on their own terms, and not because a man tells them to. That their life is in their hands and they are in charge.


I keep hearing this song in my head.

This is what feminism looks like.
 

Things I Am Worried About Because of the Government Shutdown.

Taking a tip from Mother Jones here and realizing how fragile our jobs are.

1. My student loans. 

          

You're lucky that I can barely pay them now. I couldn't consolidate all my loans back in 2005 because of the fact that some of them were private GATE loans. I'm trying to at least lower my payments, but it's hard. On paper, my income is large enough (but my AGI is still below $25k) to pay the total $400+ a month I throw at both of them, but honestly, with credit card bills, doctor bills, car insurance, not to mention groceries, I'm having a hard enough time just keeping up with things. 

When the interest rates go up, I won't be able to pay them at all. Part of me wants to default anyway. been paying them for almost 10 years now and barely made a dent. 

I wonder if college was even worth it. 

2. Our Jobs.

I personally work for a private company so I don't have to worry about stock prices and investors too much (I hope.), but I'm worried. Even though it's a grocery store, people won't buy as much if they don't make as much. People always need food, but do they need $200 worth of food? Or $50 worth of food? It's gonna be hard. 

Jack's job is different. In 2008 the company he works for now had to let go a bunch of people. Being in a union didn't help them. A transit company, even a private one, will suffer if people don't have jobs to commute to. He's still one of the newer people too. I'm afraid he'll be one of the firsts to go, regardless of how well he is doing at the job. 

This would leave me as the sole income. We wouldn't be able to afford our apartment. 

3. Our retirement plans.

I do have a 401(k) from my times at Barnes & Noble. And I have another one from my current place of employment. But I remember when my aunt lost a ton of money she invested. She can never get that back. I have friends and other family members that had lost money too. Or their parents did, trickling down to everyone. 

A part of me wants to just take out the money I have invested before the stock market crashes, but I know I have to pay that money back. With inflated interest rates. But would it be worth it in order to use that money to pay off my credit cards? Because then I could use the credit cards to buy food.... (actually looking for an answer here, folks.)

4. Just, everything. 

Since finally moving to a town that has a library (don't get me started on towns NOT having a library) and it's less than a block away from our apartment, I've been finally reading the books that I couldn't really afford to buy (now that I don't work at B&N). And it's great! Wonderful. But, funding will be cut. What are people going to do then? I live in a more urbanized area that I have ever lived in (not counting when I was an infant and living in Union City). I know there are people who need the library more than I do. For internet access. Or just a warm place to be for hours on end. 

Will crime go up? More than likely. I'm lucky that even though my town is close to Newark, we don't live as close to Newark as we could be. But last night someone broke Jack's driver's side mirror. Not really a car since there are no other marks, more likely just a baseball bat. I work until midnight most days and that means I get home around 1230am or later. Because we only have street parking during the week and the school year, I park in the commuter lot by the train station that is about 4ish blocks away. No one is really around at that time. And there is an open gas station and diner right there, but still hardly any street lamps in the residential part of the 4 blocks I walk. Am I afraid? Normally not really. It's scarier to walk about alone around 9pm than it is at midnight, but who knows what will change. This worries me. 

Will healthcare costs go up? With the ACA perhaps not, but I pay into my health insurance through my job. At least I'm lucky enough for that. But I have no idea. Granted I have a lot more questions about this that isn't relevant to the shutdown and possible default, but that's for another time. 

So there's that.

*sigh*

It's time's like these that I think I should run for office of some sort. 

Wedding

I guess I'll be posting pictures as they come in, but we all know that is a lie. Best ones will be on facebook anyways.


And no. I will not be changing my blog name just because my last name will be changing whenever I decide to go to the social security office.

Wait. Is the SS office even open during a government shut down? Hmm. Maybe this will take longer than I thought.

Front to Back: Bride, Groom, Best Man/Minister

Jack

5 years ago today, I was getting ready to go to a coffee house. I had my book and my notebook. I had time before meeting this guy I met via a dating site. 

I remember having soup. 

And Jack swears I was wearing this blue sweater that doesn't exists. 

I remember me being my awkward self when it comes to first dates. 

I remember being taken to a freaking HORRIBLE diner. 

(when I found out that there was a better one also not too far from his house, I yelled at him.) 

I remember feeling very comfortable with him. 

A few days later,

I vividly remember knowing that this guy was special. 

My coworkers at Barnes & Noble kept asking me if I was still with him weeks later. 

Months later. 

After a year, people couldn't believe it. 

I couldn't believe it. 

I remember our first valentine's day. Jack neglected to make reservations to this place. "It's a Tuesday. It will be fine."

We ended up going to Lido's.

And I told him that I was gonna marry him. 

I knew that I was. 

So it wasn't love at first sight. 

It was love around 3 days in when we were on our way to the mall to find parts of Jack's halloween costume and we were listening to Lou Reed's "Perfect Day." 

We get married on saturday. 

Conversations

So, I work at Trader Joe's. 

For those who don't know about Trader Joe's, 1. how dare you. and 2. We private label stuff. 

We have a seasonal tea that doesn't even try to pretend that it's not Celestial Seasons

So I tell Jack that I'll pick up a bunch because it's seasonal and once it sells out, it's gone. 

Me: Or we can just go to Shop Rite. 

Jack: And what? Creepily smell the tea boxes?

Me: Wait, you don't do that already?

I mean, how else do you find out what the tea smells like?

It just keeps tumblin' down, tumblin' down, tumblin' down.

Being bipolar is a funny thing.

Obviously there are days where everything is fine. Hunky-dory.
Where I can function and forget that I have this chemical imbalance in my brain that makes it hard to regulate my moods.

Then there are days where I hardly sleep and clean the house and read all the books and talk to everyone and be social and am so damn productive.

This is not that time.

Stress brings on the anxiety, which turns into depression eventually.
But now it's what's called a mixed episode.
Where I'm full of energy but can't focus or breathe and I just cry all the time and panic.
The panic turns into trying to control everything but failing.
Which turns into more anxiety.

I used to cut in high school.
Long before I ever knew what manic depression even was.
Hell, before I even knew what depression was.

Those scars are long gone thankfully. I know others who still live with them.

I stopped a long time ago.
My medication helped me.
Video games helped me. Killing Zerg or The Flood truly helps relieve the tension. Helps me to hyper focus on the task at hand while my brain calms down.

Cue my current Candy Crush addiction.

I'm not cutting again per se. More like digging my nails into my arms.
Trying not to break skin and leave the marks which will turn into scars now that I'm older.

I am getting married in 17 days after all.
It's bad enough my legs are bruised from work and my general clumsiness.

But the panic and the anxiety.
Yes a lot of my stress is gone now that we figured everything out.

All we really need to do is get our marriage license.
And clean the apartment.

But I can't shake the stress.
I can't stop crying and panicking.

Normally I can hide it at work.
Throwing myself into uber customer service lady.

But I'm distracted and even my coworkers see it.

"Kelly are you ok?"
"What can I do to help?"

And what I really want to say is
"I want to go home and learn how to breathe."

But I need the money, so I don't ask. I stay.
Sometimes I suffer throughout the day.
Other times I can fake it until my anxiety goes away.

Today is not a faking kind of day.
My chest is tight.
It's hard to breathe.
I'm on the verge of tears.

I'm overwhelmed with trying to clean.
17 days. 17 days 17 days...
that I can't start anything.
A closet is cleaned though.
And I'm working through a pile of magazines that have been sitting here for months.

But that's it.

Oh. yeah.
we need to order a wedding cake.

Perhaps actually get wedding bands...


And I don't like asking for help.
I hate it.
Makes me think I'm weak.

Because I'm not weak.
I'm strong.
I've gotten through worse, right?
Past suicide attempts.
Past abusive relationships.
Past revelations of family members.

I can get through this.

But it's so goddamn hard.

Going Through/Cleaning Up

I started this course today. Called Project 137. Started by my friend Patti Digh. Today is exactly 137 days until the new year.


Where the fuck has this year gone?

I don't think I've felt this lost in a very long time.
Where the world is spinning out of my control.
I'm out of touch with everything.
I can never catch my breath.

And I feel guilty over everything. Well to be honest, I always feel guilty over everything.


So I'm trying to clean out my cobwebs.
I only killed one spider so far. And it was tiny. And I said I was sorry about it.
I did clean out my fridge today. Full of yogurt from June. Where did the time go?

How did I let life run away from me?


I'm broke.
Like, before this past paycheck I had $1.05 in my bank account.

$1.05

Last year this time I had over $2k

Where did the money go?
Where did I let the money go?
Why haven't I cared until it's too late?


Thankfully I can go to my psych doctor without a co-pay. I need to talk things out again.
I need to write again.
I need to open up again.


So I'm happy and scared about this Project 137.
Who knows what's going to come up.

Hopefully I can purge my demons and black bile from my soul.
Or get over the past and finally move on and live in the present.

Maybe I can actually get a hold of myself without medication again.



So here's to another beginning. Let's see where this goes.