Going Through/Cleaning Up

I started this course today. Called Project 137. Started by my friend Patti Digh. Today is exactly 137 days until the new year.


Where the fuck has this year gone?

I don't think I've felt this lost in a very long time.
Where the world is spinning out of my control.
I'm out of touch with everything.
I can never catch my breath.

And I feel guilty over everything. Well to be honest, I always feel guilty over everything.


So I'm trying to clean out my cobwebs.
I only killed one spider so far. And it was tiny. And I said I was sorry about it.
I did clean out my fridge today. Full of yogurt from June. Where did the time go?

How did I let life run away from me?


I'm broke.
Like, before this past paycheck I had $1.05 in my bank account.

$1.05

Last year this time I had over $2k

Where did the money go?
Where did I let the money go?
Why haven't I cared until it's too late?


Thankfully I can go to my psych doctor without a co-pay. I need to talk things out again.
I need to write again.
I need to open up again.


So I'm happy and scared about this Project 137.
Who knows what's going to come up.

Hopefully I can purge my demons and black bile from my soul.
Or get over the past and finally move on and live in the present.

Maybe I can actually get a hold of myself without medication again.



So here's to another beginning. Let's see where this goes.

I never told you my favorite number is 4

I'm contemplating fate.

I personally believe in it. There are people I am fated to meet, fall in love with. People I am fated to care for regardless of the distance.

It doesn't matter if I took the path less traveled, I would still meet you.


And the coincidences that happen to follow you? Those numbers that keep popping up, that color that is always around? Are just path markers. The more you see them, the more you know you're on the right path.

People leading you to people leading you to love. Or a toss down a flight of stairs leading you to the one you marry.



But in the morning, when the sun rises; and the evening, when the sun sets, there is no fate. Everything and nothing is possible.

Endless.

All the choices
and none.

Constantly falling cadences keep suggesting the end of something. The plaintive melody builds up a sense of loss, of finality, of nothing more being left, which is profoundly sad. 

Yet, in the midst of the mournful passages, again and again there's a reprise, the original refrain reappearing as an assurance that there's been no break in continuity, a reaffirmation of the singers' former declaration of otherness...other values... introducing a hopeful note at the very point where a tragic climax might seem imminent and inevitable.

But then, immediately afterwards, sombre low notes restore the later version, so that two different conclusions are presented simultaneously and without any perceptible bias towards either....In the end one is left to choose between them; an choice implying the non-existence of a fixed or final form of reality, for which is substituted the idea of all eventualities being equally plausible or unlikely. 

-- Anna Kavan MeRcUrY