Going Through/Cleaning Up

I started this course today. Called Project 137. Started by my friend Patti Digh. Today is exactly 137 days until the new year.


Where the fuck has this year gone?

I don't think I've felt this lost in a very long time.
Where the world is spinning out of my control.
I'm out of touch with everything.
I can never catch my breath.

And I feel guilty over everything. Well to be honest, I always feel guilty over everything.


So I'm trying to clean out my cobwebs.
I only killed one spider so far. And it was tiny. And I said I was sorry about it.
I did clean out my fridge today. Full of yogurt from June. Where did the time go?

How did I let life run away from me?


I'm broke.
Like, before this past paycheck I had $1.05 in my bank account.

$1.05

Last year this time I had over $2k

Where did the money go?
Where did I let the money go?
Why haven't I cared until it's too late?


Thankfully I can go to my psych doctor without a co-pay. I need to talk things out again.
I need to write again.
I need to open up again.


So I'm happy and scared about this Project 137.
Who knows what's going to come up.

Hopefully I can purge my demons and black bile from my soul.
Or get over the past and finally move on and live in the present.

Maybe I can actually get a hold of myself without medication again.



So here's to another beginning. Let's see where this goes.

Fluff

A great thing about my brain eating amoeba named brian, is that I get all this time to rest.

And play Skyrim.

And worry about the money I'm not making.

But really, rest!


Although I wish I could focus on stuff.

Like Skyrim.
Or reading (so many books I want to read!)
Or watching Supernatural. (It's so hard! I just want to see Misha Collins now. I'm not even done with season 1 yet... WHY ARE AMERICAN TEEVEE SHOWS SO LONG??? (I'm way too used to the BBC))


But hey look guys. That's like 3 posts.
Even though this is nothing of substance....


Writing is writing? yes?

Vision is the art of seeing things invisible. 

~ Jonathan Swift

The aspects of the thing that are most important for us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity.

~ Ludwig Wittgenstein

Web MD Fail

For the past couple weeks, whenever I get home from work (around midnight:30 or so) I smell cigarette smoke. I live on the fourth floor of our apartment building and my windows are open, so it totally makes sense that this smell could happen.

Jack smells nothing.

I have a better sense of smell than him anyways.


Last night though, I started smelling this cigarette smoke in my car. While I was driving. On the NEW JERSEY PARKWAY.

Jack's awake when I get home.
I tell him the story.

Jack: You should check on Web MD.
Me: No, it will just tell me I have cancer.
Jack: Well it could be a tumor.
Me: It's not a tumor.
Jack: Or a seizure disorder.
Me: I don't have a seizure disorder. Besides, my bipolar meds are also anti-convulsants.


We sleep.
I wake up.
I google "olfactory hallucinations"


More than likely I have a sinus infection (or an actual tumor).

Web MD?

Well when you search Web MD for "olfactory hallucinations" I don't get "sinus infection" or "seizure disorder."

I don't even get "tumor" or "cancer."


Nope.

I get this:

Brain Eating Amoeba


Yup.



So, I think I'll name my brain eating amoeba.
I'll call it Brian.