Been thinking about reality a lot. Blame the self help/creativity books I've been reading. (I'm such a sucker for them.) But not only that, but gender and how it's a construct (or is it?) and what it means to be one's self.
Is our fact the fiction we happen to create and believe in?
I've been spending a lot of time thinking about writing and not actually doing it. I keep saying "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow" and then get distracted by wondering what I don't own a copy of that Scottish play. Then I start thinking about Hamlet and how I only own two copies (The Doctor and Captain Picard one and The Ethan Hawke one) of the movie version and how I should really change that. Then is devolves into OMG DOCTOR WHO IS STARTING IN AUGUST.
Then vacation planning. Which we haven't done yet, but we took the time off. And then money and then school and then it's back to writing again. Which then creates this anxiety that I can't deal with so I have a glass or two of wine then fall asleep.
All to do the same the next day.
It's a shame really. Because I used to write all the time. Everything. I didn't care if it sucked or if it was profound. I just wrote. And I had an audience even. (Go go livejournal go!) And here, I don't know if I do. I know a few of you read it. And then Croatian spam bots. But they haven't tried to comment. It would at least make things a bit more interesting.
I feel better after I write too. Getting that shit out of my head so I can start thinking about other things (and consequentially worrying about other things) But hey, at least it's a different thing right?
I've deemed this summer "The Summer of Tying up Loose Ends." That means confronting things head on and actually doing what I said and promised myself that I would do. Writing here is one of them.
I'm changing my last name. Or I'm not changing my last name.
I said I was going to take Jack's name if only because I really like the sound of it.
But then a friend pointed out that I'm the only "Kelly Spoer" in the world.
Yup. Google my name and you only get me.
Google "Kelly O'Dowd" and you get hundreds.
But I come to an impasse: I've been using "Kelly O'Dowd" as my writing name. Ya know, the name I'm actually attaching to my Book editing gig. (What? I didn't write about that? oh. hmmm. ok)
I asked Twitter. I asked Facebook. Everyone gave their reasons for either changing or not. Or creating a new one. Or if both spouses changed their name or only one.
And it's interesting. A lot of women said that they didn't even think about NOT changing their name. It was just a part of the marriage process.
I can respect that.
But for me, names are so much more.
Names are powerful.
Names are you.
You are your name.
I came across this Ursula K. Le Guin piece in college. Senior year. Postmodern Literature. It was in our textbook. I don't even remember if it was assigned reading or not. I just remember being moved by it.
Unnaming is not uncreating.
Although it feels like that.
It's wiping the slate clean.
But it comes to mind now (and whenever I think about how names bind us to things) that I'm attached to my own name. It's my identity. Will I still be the same Kelly if I changed my name? Or will I somehow destroy my individuality because I'm taking another's?
On the surface, people will say (and have said) that it's a silly notion. Of *course* you're the same person. You're the same person with or without your name. But something about that doesn't feel right to me. This bundle of experiences can only be expressed with "Kelly Spoer."
And I know that "Kelly O'Dowd" will have her own bundle of experiences, but....
It's not the same.
I still haven't come to a conclusion on what I'm going to do.
Because keeping my last name seems wrong too. That I'm *too* distinct from my husband. That the only thing we have together is our address and our joint savings account.
So I ask. (not that I think anyone really reads this besides myself and the people who have already read my tweet or facebook post)
This is not to say that 2013 wasn't good for me. I did get married. I did gain a lot of new friends. Gained a new copy editing gig. But, there's a feeling like I didn't learn enough. That I didn't untap my full potential. 2013 was full of ideas without actually completing the vast majority of them. I got sick a lot. I felt off somehow. Both mentally and physically. Not to mention in this past month alone I have been breaking out like a 16 year old; root canal in one tooth and a brand spanking new broken one; and needless drama that isn't even drama but friends lost all the same.
So for the past couple days I've been convincing myself that 2014 is mine, bitch. Because it is.
I don't have these grand plans about traveling the world or over coming my need at the present time for my bipolar meds. I am not making resolutions that I will beat myself up over in a few weeks because I didn't write every day like I wanted to before the new year. I won't tell myself I NEED to loose these last ten pounds because then I will be happier and my life can start. I am not telling myself to create a to-do list every day to just check off so my life is just a bunch of bullet points that I overwhelm myself with and become anxious that I didn't do the laundry, wash the floors, bake, AND read the 5 books I'm in the middle of.
No. Fuck. That. Shit.
In one of the facebook groups I belong to, a woman mentioned an article that talks about picking a word at the beginning of the year that will be your over all theme. After reading it, instantaneously a word popped in my head:
Healing.
2014 will be my time to heal. To not be afraid of calling the doctor. To making therapist appointments to talk out all the issues I keep in my head. To dig deep to the places that I should have gone in 2013 but were too scared to. To heal relationship with people that I should have done years ago. To cut out all the toxic waste that sneaks into my life. To heal my desires of external validation.
Just to heal.
Now, I'm not under the impression that I will become magically better by the end of the year. I know this is an on-going process, but hey, I gotta start somewhere.
This past week I went to New York Comic Con with a friend. Vastly enjoyable, but that's a given really. On Saturday there were two panels we really wanted to go to (and thankfully we got into both). One being the 50th Anniversary of Doctor Who (with special appearance by Colin Baker!) and the other a Q & A with John Barrowman (Captain Jack! *swoons*). In order to guarantee a seat for the Captain Jack Q&A, we sat through a panel for the DC comics: New 52.
I'm not a DC fan. I've always been a Marvel girl. I was vaguely curious however about Wonder Woman but not enough to buy one of the comics. The panel consisted of an overview of the next few issues of some certain comics. And let me mention that there was only one woman on the panel.
Nothing exciting. The Q&A was boring for the most part until this wonderful young woman in a Batman cosplay asked a question about DC's hiring practices. In a nutshell, she stated statictics on how few female editors, copywriters, artists, and letterers there were in the DC corporation. She asked why.
Their answer?
Because there wasn't the talent pool.
Because ya know, there aren't a ton of woman in the indie comic world at all. But after this, I'm not surprised that woman are applying for these jobs at this company. I wouldn't want to work for them.
Thankfully there was a lot of cheers for the question and quite a few boos from the audience.
A few questions later, another woman asked why the switch of Wonder Woman's costume change? She started off with pants and a fully covered costume and then a few issues later, back to the original skimpy non-clothes she had for years. Mind you, this was after the artist for Wonder Woman mentioned how kinky the covers were.
Their answer?
1. Because it was hard to draw and color.
2. Because there was backlash.
There weren't as many boos for the panel's answer this time unfortunately. I did say, very loudly I might add, about how Marvel seems to do it fine with Captain Marvel.
Skip until about 48:30. Watched the uneasy panel.
My friend and I were pissed. I tweeted about the whole thing. Angerly. DC will not get my money hashtag fuckDCcomics.
There were two girls sitting next to us. probably early 20s. Hard to tell. Maybe a bit younger.
They seemed unfazed by the panel's answer. Taking it as okay. Them saying how iconic the costume was.
I was livid. I asked if they knew the story behind the creator of Wonder Woman. How the creator was not shy about how he wanted a sexy bondage/kink relationship with Wonder Woman and her antagonists. (yes, yes, I know wikipedia, cut me some slack guys)
Now I'm not dismissing bondage as a life style. It's fine as long as it's between consenting adults. I was just pointing out to the girls that she was created specifically to be a sex-object and not a real person.
These girls didn't get it. They didn't care.
I was shaking I was so angry.
(Thankfully I was happier after watching John Barrowman prance around the stage the next hour or so)
But this stayed with me.
The lack of caring.
This is not what feminism looks like.
Where's these girls' passion and anger for being reduced to a sex object?
What does this have to do with my book review?
Everything.
Back in January or March I received an ARC for Eve Ensler's In the Body of the World. I knew that this wasn't exactly the feminist manifesto that The Vagina Monologues is, but rather a memoir of her cancer experience. I was supposed to read and review it months ago. But I didn't have the desire to pick it up until last Sunday.
Where I was still full of rage against DC.
I'm glad I did.
I read it in two days.
Could have been one but I needed time to process her words.
I needed time to write down extended quotes that deal with living life and viewing dying as a transformation. I needed to hear about her stories of the women who are repeatedly raped by soldiers in the Congo. I needed to hear about the healing these women go through after being violated and left for dead, only to stand back up again.
I cried.
Oh how I cried.
And I want to hand this book to the young women and girls who take DC's answers that women aren't good enough for their jobs or that women should be scantily dressed.
I want to show them what feminism looks like.
That it's not a dirty word.
That they have the power to challenge the status quo.
To get up and push back.
That if woman want to be half naked that it's okay, but only if they do it on their own terms, and not because a man tells them to. That their life is in their hands and they are in charge.
Taking a tip from Mother Jones here and realizing how fragile our jobs are.
1. My student loans.
You're lucky that I can barely pay them now. I couldn't consolidate all my loans back in 2005 because of the fact that some of them were private GATE loans. I'm trying to at least lower my payments, but it's hard. On paper, my income is large enough (but my AGI is still below $25k) to pay the total $400+ a month I throw at both of them, but honestly, with credit card bills, doctor bills, car insurance, not to mention groceries, I'm having a hard enough time just keeping up with things.
When the interest rates go up, I won't be able to pay them at all. Part of me wants to default anyway. been paying them for almost 10 years now and barely made a dent.
I wonder if college was even worth it.
2. Our Jobs.
I personally work for a private company so I don't have to worry about stock prices and investors too much (I hope.), but I'm worried. Even though it's a grocery store, people won't buy as much if they don't make as much. People always need food, but do they need $200 worth of food? Or $50 worth of food? It's gonna be hard.
Jack's job is different. In 2008 the company he works for now had to let go a bunch of people. Being in a union didn't help them. A transit company, even a private one, will suffer if people don't have jobs to commute to. He's still one of the newer people too. I'm afraid he'll be one of the firsts to go, regardless of how well he is doing at the job.
This would leave me as the sole income. We wouldn't be able to afford our apartment.
3. Our retirement plans.
I do have a 401(k) from my times at Barnes & Noble. And I have another one from my current place of employment. But I remember when my aunt lost a ton of money she invested. She can never get that back. I have friends and other family members that had lost money too. Or their parents did, trickling down to everyone.
A part of me wants to just take out the money I have invested before the stock market crashes, but I know I have to pay that money back. With inflated interest rates. But would it be worth it in order to use that money to pay off my credit cards? Because then I could use the credit cards to buy food.... (actually looking for an answer here, folks.)
4. Just, everything.
Since finally moving to a town that has a library (don't get me started on towns NOT having a library) and it's less than a block away from our apartment, I've been finally reading the books that I couldn't really afford to buy (now that I don't work at B&N). And it's great! Wonderful. But, funding will be cut. What are people going to do then? I live in a more urbanized area that I have ever lived in (not counting when I was an infant and living in Union City). I know there are people who need the library more than I do. For internet access. Or just a warm place to be for hours on end.
Will crime go up? More than likely. I'm lucky that even though my town is close to Newark, we don't live as close to Newark as we could be. But last night someone broke Jack's driver's side mirror. Not really a car since there are no other marks, more likely just a baseball bat. I work until midnight most days and that means I get home around 1230am or later. Because we only have street parking during the week and the school year, I park in the commuter lot by the train station that is about 4ish blocks away. No one is really around at that time. And there is an open gas station and diner right there, but still hardly any street lamps in the residential part of the 4 blocks I walk. Am I afraid? Normally not really. It's scarier to walk about alone around 9pm than it is at midnight, but who knows what will change. This worries me.
Will healthcare costs go up? With the ACA perhaps not, but I pay into my health insurance through my job. At least I'm lucky enough for that. But I have no idea. Granted I have a lot more questions about this that isn't relevant to the shutdown and possible default, but that's for another time.
So there's that.
*sigh*
It's time's like these that I think I should run for office of some sort.
