Just some thoughts

"Facts are facts and fiction's fiction."


Been thinking about reality a lot. Blame the self help/creativity books I've been reading. (I'm such a sucker for them.) But not only that, but gender and how it's a construct (or is it?) and what it means to be one's self.

Is our fact the fiction we happen to create and believe in?

But Being Loose is Okay

What tying up loose ends means to me: A list

• Finishing all the books I started
• Making doctor appointments that I've been putting off for months for no good reason
• Doing the dishes in a more timely manner
• Putting laundry away in a more timely manner
• Going through all this damn paper work that I have lying around that I need to sort through
• Pay off at least one of my credit cards (I'm trying to make attainable goals here)
• Start Jack's social media promotion. 
• Figure out what we are doing for our honeymoon in October.
• Figure out what we are doing for our vacation in August
• Get inbox down to 0 most days
• Write the reviews I have lined up
• Mail out books to writers quicker

Time Keeps on Ticking

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about writing and not actually doing it. I keep saying "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow" and then get distracted by wondering what I don't own a copy of that Scottish play. Then I start thinking about Hamlet and how I only own two copies (The Doctor and Captain Picard one and The Ethan Hawke one) of the movie version and how I should really change that. Then is devolves into OMG DOCTOR WHO IS STARTING IN AUGUST.

Then vacation planning. Which we haven't done yet, but we took the time off. And then money and then school and then it's back to writing again. Which then creates this anxiety that I can't deal with so I have a glass or two of wine then fall asleep.

All to do the same the next day.


It's a shame really. Because I used to write all the time. Everything. I didn't care if it sucked or if it was profound. I just wrote. And I had an audience even. (Go go livejournal go!) And here, I don't know if I do. I know a few of you read it. And then Croatian spam bots. But they haven't tried to comment. It would at least make things a bit more interesting.

I feel better after I write too. Getting that shit out of my head so I can start thinking about other things (and consequentially worrying about other things) But hey, at least it's a different thing right?

I've deemed this summer "The Summer of Tying up Loose Ends." That means confronting things head on and actually doing what I said and promised myself that I would do. Writing here is one of them.

Hold me accountable guys. I need the pressure.

That's Not My Name

I'm having an identity crisis.

I'm changing my last name.
Or I'm not changing my last name.

I said I was going to take Jack's name if only because I really like the sound of it.

But then a friend pointed out that I'm the only "Kelly Spoer" in the world.

Yup. Google my name and you only get me.
Google "Kelly O'Dowd" and you get hundreds.

But I come to an impasse: I've been using "Kelly O'Dowd" as my writing name. Ya know, the name I'm actually attaching to my Book editing gig. (What? I didn't write about that? oh. hmmm. ok)

I asked Twitter. I asked Facebook. Everyone gave their reasons for either changing or not. Or creating a new one. Or if both spouses changed their name or only one.

And it's interesting. A lot of women said that they didn't even think about NOT changing their name. It was just a part of the marriage process.

I can respect that.

But for me, names are so much more.
Names are powerful.
Names are you.
You are your name.

I came across this Ursula K. Le Guin piece in college. Senior year. Postmodern Literature. It was in our textbook. I don't even remember if it was assigned reading or not. I just remember being moved by it.



She Unnames Them


Unnaming is not uncreating.
Although it feels like that.
It's wiping the slate clean.

But it comes to mind now (and whenever I think about how names bind us to things) that I'm attached to my own name. It's my identity. Will I still be the same Kelly if I changed my name? Or will I somehow destroy my individuality because I'm taking another's?

On the surface, people will say (and have said) that it's a silly notion. Of *course* you're the same person. You're the same person with or without your name. But something about that doesn't feel right to me. This bundle of experiences can only be expressed with "Kelly Spoer."

And I know that "Kelly O'Dowd" will have her own bundle of experiences, but....

It's not the same.

I still haven't come to a conclusion on what I'm going to do.
Because keeping my last name seems wrong too. That I'm *too* distinct from my husband. That the only thing we have together is our address and our joint savings account.

So I ask. (not that I think anyone really reads this besides myself and the people who have already read my tweet or facebook post)

Why change your name?